I’m sure we have all seen the sentence that states that we live in a time where we are the most connected ever, but also the loneliest.
I believe this to be because we are connected to others, but receive tremendous disconnect from ourselves.
We look for ourselves in these figures on social media. Playing an endless game of comparison, heightened by the stakes of likes and followers.
Innately having a desire:
To be seen
Recognized for our talents
Sometimes to the point of disregarding our own opinion and intrinsic value.
I personally have had to experience this loneliness. Something I felt shamed for since I decided to create my own path. Removing those who no longer served. I spent most of my waking hours wishing my life would be seen by others. I would try to be a version of someone I liked so that I would be more likely to be liked by others around me. My logic was flawed, but that was my pattern since I was 9 years old.
Yeah, a little 9-year-old.
I was implicitly told that I was not enough though:
not being invited to things
being horrendously bullied
I know these problems are clearly very privileged in themselves, yet like most things, they leave an impact on you.
For me, I packed all of these into a cubby that soon became so full that I lashed out at those I considered to be the closest to me.
At 18, I kicked all of those people out of my life. At the time, I felt like I wasn’t being seen or heard, just a piece being moved around from group to group trying to find its place. I would try on new masks to please others, hurting myself.
I was strapped into a mask I didn’t know I had on.
I was fed up with feeling like:
Not Good Enough
Since that time, 3 years to be exact, I have had ZERO, yup, zero close friends.
I’ve needed to work on myself.
Cater to my needs before others. (So I could heal, this was part of my rock bottom moment)
Find people who best fit me.
Maybe you don’t need to remove everyone from your life to have these lessons, and honestly, I hope you don’t have to because it is an incredibly painful experience. There is a tremendous amount of shame and fear around being alone, so much that I felt that I was never good enough to have a deep human connection again.
I have had to get to know this person I was continuously on the run from. All of the pain, shame, and memories surfaced. For a long time, I felt ashamed that I had no one. Nothing, no friends. Just a dad I went to concerts with and a laptop full of youtube videos.
Not only was I judging myself for this, but I was also receiving it on a massive scale from the people in my life, from family members and coworkers.
“Why don’t you have friends?”
“What happened to so and so?”
“Isn’t your life boring?”
The plain look of pity.
Frankly, these things cut at my core, reflecting back shadow aspects that needed healing.
Even if you haven’t experienced this level of aloneness, it is important to look at what is coming up when you are alone. Maybe you are anxious, bored, needing to be distracted. Look at what is occurring and observe it. How it makes you feel in your body. Your emotions.
If I could say what the best way to master being alone is, I would say it is acceptance. Accepting where you are. Right here, right now. This philosophy is much easier said than done, obviously. It can be an incredibly difficult time. But doing the work, really digging deep and figuring out the patterns in your life, when it comes to relationships can help alter your consciousness and move forward.
This state isn’t forever.
It is a part of your path to learn and to grow from.
My last tip is to change your view of relationships and connection. Instead of looking at only boyfriends, girlfriends, close friends, family as the only way to experience this connection. Try changing your perception of that. Instead, everyone you come in contact with you, you are in relationship with. How would you treat them? Is it different than you do now? Would you smile, say hi? Be kinder?
When you swap out the lense, you are inviting more love into your life. You are never alone because on a core level we are all connected.
Now, let’s chat in the comments: What are some of your go-to strategies for mastering being alone?